Shallu Jaglan

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I don't have secrets; just scars

I can barely walk. I don't smile like I used to. I struggle every morning to open the eyes through which I once loved seeing the world. I talk to people about things I am not passionate about anymore. I don't write anymore, something I once loved more than anything. I don't feel like facing the world. Breathing seems like a task. I can't look into people's eyes anymore. Every part of my body hurts. I am incapable of loving people where I once was a hopeless romantic. I don't hold hands anymore because I know that at the end of the day, I won't have those hands in mine. My heart aches, and I don't love life anymore. I want to live, but I don't know what I want to live for.

150 Days of Togetherness

The farther you are from me, the more I crave your hands in mine. Your head on my shoulder, your hands caressing my back, and your eyes every time they would light up, you would see me. My love, I ended up falling for you, harder than I wanted to. I never wanted to, but I am, sitting on a bed where you aren't beside me and writing letters without you here to listen to them. I wish we had more time; I wish we could have stayed together for a little longer. I really wish we could do that.

I Wish We Had More Time

From glancing at each other for hours to sitting together at your place, life taught us many things: to love, break, heal, support, cry, smoke, end things, and bid goodbyes. Every time I think about Delhi, I’ll think about you. How can I not? You were special. You are special. Whatever it is in your heart will always guide you to do the right thing. There are things that I won’t say and things you wouldn’t want to hear, but for what it’s worth, we both know what it is.

Home And Other Things

The other night, I was intoxicated, and you were too. I never knew that romantic gestures like holding hands would be a thing someday. It felt like home. It felt safer than it did with other people. I have always been drawn to arrogant people because I have felt this for years, which seems normal nowadays. I never wanted ordinary because ordinary felt boring. But I realized that sometimes ordinary is what’s best for you because you aren’t ready to fight all the storms alone, especially when you aren’t ready.

Be Your Own Saviour Little Girl

You will love yourself unconditionally and without any hidden terms and conditions. You will not find anything with an asterisk in your heart. You will break because, deep down, you believe that strong things do break, and they are strong not because they are unbreakable but because they are strong enough to be put together again. Be fearless, little kid. Because the longer you will fear, the longer the world will widen your scope of fears. Do not be afraid of tears because they are signs of your fierce love. You will cry not because you are weak but because you are strong enough to acknowledge that you are in pain. And that, my friend, is the most courageous thing anything can do.

Your First Kintsugi Project

I am writing to you to let you know I need you. I need you to be with me for the rest of my life. I need you because I am alone in this world trying its best to break me. I am alone, my friend. Come back because this broken heart needs you to fix it. Come back to remind me that I can be strong again. Come back to help me hold myself together because I cannot do it alone without you. Come back because I miss you. Come back, if not for me, for your first Kintsugi project.

In You, I found Myself

You are yourself, inside out, making you ‘you.’ I remember the day I saw my world crashing down, but you made sure I wasn’t alone. You did not let go of my hand even for a second because you feared that I might get buried under the stubble if you did. You kept holding my hand for months, and the grip did not loosen away with time, my demons, or the sweat. It kept me together for as long as I needed it. In you, I found a friend who I could rely on in every breakdown I may ever have. In you, I found someone unwilling to let go because I am hurt, but that brings you closer to me instead. I found a person in you who does not wish for their perfection but that of others. I found a soul in you that only sees the best of others. In you, I found myself.

You Live In The One-Time-Box

Do you remember when we first met? I know you don't, but I do. We were kids at primary school, and you were a senior. You were the kid with the most bewitching eyes. How can I ever forget those beautiful eyes? Those hazel-blue-grey-amber eyes. Whereas I was a typical nerd-weird-shy-timid girl. I remembered you for years but could never know why. Do you remember that we took the same bus back in primary school? You don't, but I do. We sat opposite each other in the dining room, but you don't remember that, do you? I used to give extra toffee to you on my birthday. I knew there was something special in you. So, I remembered you. I kept your memories alive when we changed schools.
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