I don't have secrets; just scars

I hope someone finds this today. I really do. I want you to know that I have been so scared of opening up my heart that I would rather leave it unheard and untouched forever than its cries be heard and go unnoticed.

I heard someone say that people who build walls around them do it because they are scared of being hurt, but I build them around myself because I was so badly hurt once that my heart didn't go back to being itself. My heart built itself as these walls. It does not protect anything; it closes itself up and never lets anyone near those shattered pieces. It does so because it doesn't want anyone to get hurt touching them.

I've heard people ask each other about their deepest darkest secrets. When I think of them, I don't find any. It's like I don't have any. I don't have secrets; I only have scars. And the wounds were so brutal that no amount of time could heal them. They don't bleed anymore. Not because they healed but because they ran out of blood. They turned blue. They asphyxiated.

But what kept me going was the belief that someday I would find a cure, and even though I would still see the scars, they won't hurt anymore. I tried everything I could, medication, therapy, and everything we'd heard of while growing up. But nobody taught us what we needed to learn the most, the art of healing oneself. But I did get better. I was relieved that I could somehow live with them and they won't spread. The number remained the same, but the pain got worse, and so did its effect on me.

I can barely walk. I don't smile like I used to. I struggle every morning to open the eyes through which I once loved seeing the world. I talk to people about things I am not passionate about anymore. I don't write anymore, something I once loved more than anything. I don't feel like facing the world. Breathing seems like a task. I can't look into people's eyes anymore. Every part of my body hurts. I am incapable of loving people where I once was a hopeless romantic. I don't hold hands anymore because I know that at the end of the day, I won't have those hands in mine. My heart aches, and I don't love life anymore. I want to live, but I don't know what I want to live for.

I am hurt, and I don't know how to make this feeling go away. I want to be able to smile without having a reason to. I want to look up at the sky and appreciate how beautiful life is. I want to see sunrises as a new beginning, not just another day. I want to cry watching 'Kal Ho Na Ho' again. I want to make people smile more. I want to start living again.

So, you see, I am glad I found you today. I have been carrying this in my heart for years and never knew when it would be the right time to let it go. I am sure that this alone will not heal my wounds, and I will require a lot to get better. But I would at least look at my scars and not get scared anymore because they would remind me that broken can be beautiful again. They would remind me that I was capable of being strong and I did not give up.

Thank you for going through my overburdened heart.

Forever grateful,
Shallu Jaglan