The Boy Who Breathes Sunsets

To the boy whose smile made the world feel gentler,

Someday, whether it is days, weeks, months, or years from now, when I begin to lose pieces of myself and of you, I want you to read this. I want it to remind you of what I once found.

All my life, people asked me to contain myself and become someone. Someone who wanted more. Someone who fought her instincts. Someone who wanted to be loved. It felt as if strangers kept picking me up, confining me to the box of life, and telling me that was how things were supposed to be. They convinced me that becoming someone mattered so much that even losing myself along the way seemed acceptable. In that endless loop of performing a life that looked successful, I held on to the scattered pieces of dignity I had left. I never let them go. And what came next, well, you know how it went.

Then, on one strangely fortunate day, I saw you a few feet away, smiling and waving, with the brightest smile and the shiniest eyes. I never knew one smile could stretch yours by four inches, two on either side. No matter how deep a hole you feel trapped in, everything can brighten for a moment and lead you somewhere a little less dark.

That is how we met.

It is strange how ordinary moments can feel while we are living them, then make perfect sense when we look back. You were meant to happen. I was meant to find myself. Everything else became our happy history.

People say endings are more beautiful than beginnings. I don’t believe that anymore. Look at a newborn baby, then look at a dying old man. You’ll see how everything in between changes us, takes things away, and can leave us feeling empty. I am a sucker for the in between. The time I had with you will always be part of who I am and of the wonderful life I hope to lead.

People say you are perfect. They say you are happy and flawless. You and I know you aren’t. They forget that a smile isn’t the same thing as happiness, and seeming effortless doesn’t mean you have no flaws. You hide parts of yourself in the stories you tell, the smiles you share, and the jokes you make. But that isn’t all you are. You are a person, too. You feel things. Letting someone hold your hand doesn’t make you weak or more breakable than anyone else.

Don’t guard yourself from every beautiful feeling life brings your way. Don’t try to force yourself to be strong by shutting everything out.

Maybe people love being around you because they can be unapologetically themselves. You give them all those little, gentle moments that make them feel at ease. But do you let yourself be that way, too? Are you the same person when everyone is around as you are when you’re alone? I can ask all the maybes I want, but only you know the answer. You have every right to choose who you want to be and what you want others to see. Just ask yourself whether hiding is worth it, or whether you are afraid to open up.

Being human is not a weakness. It is one of the most powerful things we can be. To feel something completely and honestly only makes us more alive.

No matter what I say, you’ll probably always be an asshole with walls around your heart. And somehow, you’ll still be beautiful.

I am grateful I met you, knew you, spent time with you, smiled with you, laughed my heart out with you, and did all the ridiculous things I never knew I could do. You cherish the sky and live for sunsets. You will always be the guy who gave me a shoulder to cry on and put a dozen smiles on my face when smiling felt impossible.

And yes, you are beautiful. Very.

I’ll leave you with this:

“आसमान से जब उतरोगे कभी, तो देखोगे ज़मीन पर इंसान और भी खूबसूरत हो जाता है।”

कभी किसी खत में फिर मुलाकात होगी।

With the sky and sunsets I will always associate with you,

Yours,
Halleluja