The Memories We Lost

Hey there, sleepy head :’)

Memories. An eight-letter word that takes up almost all of our lives. We create them, store them, hoard them, remember them, smile at them, laugh our hearts out thinking about them, maybe cry at times or spend decades forgetting them. In the end, it all comes down to these little anecdotes that we so fondly share with our mothers over the kitchen counter, strangers on the metro, a friend by the lake, or some colleague we have befriended. And I, for one, live for these sweet little nothings. And you are one among the million memories I hold so close to my heart that sometimes, they do not let me breathe; they choke me but I will never let go of them. I am not willing to give up on something that I created and I alone have all the power over them. One such memory is you.

They say that we forget most of our lives growing up and only remember things in tiny little flashes, a bunch of words, a chorus of our favorite song, lines of a novel we longer remember the name of, and sometimes in journals. My way of keeping them close is to hold all of them combined in one. I will dedicate the most romantic songs to you, walk miles in the dark alleys, write about you, talk hours and hours about you, lay on the bed with you, hold your hand when you are feeling low, smile every time I see you, click polaroids of ourselves, and everything I could think of. 

And with you, I did everything I wished to do with someone I could be myself with. There may have been more lows than highs, but even in those lowest moments, I was happy I had you. Your presence once gave me strength, made me fall in love with the thought of it, and write poetries again, but as I feared, it lasted for a very short time. And then the foolish things we did to each other, wishing we would never see again, just like those little teenagers who cannot figure out what they feel and want. And then, just like that, we got over it and found our way back to each other. But could never come back, could we?

We lost each other looking for things in all the wrong places, and when we did realize it, we forgot  what we were looking for in the first place. But will I ever stop recognizing your face amongst the thousand others I will meet. I will find you at an Ed Sheeran concert, at the beach we never went to, and in places we frequented and places unknown because I will never stop looking at faces and not seeing you in them. And do not get me wrong, I did not fall for you, and I never wished for a happily ever after with you; I just wanted 'now'. 

So, my dear friend, if and when I remember you, I will always close my eyes and think about the nights we spent figuring our lives out and within them ourselves. You helped me grow, but I will never be like you. I cannot let go of the ability to feel life and people and emotions. I want to feel every emotion, every little cell of my body brighten up with life and hope, every heartbreak, every relationship that ever existed. I cannot let go of who I am just because I am too scared to let my heart break. Break it may a thousand times over; never shall my heart be afraid of what comes after, and you should try it too. It is very liberating and may help you connect with those around and afar.

I couldn’t write everything I wanted to. Somehow my hands do not let me type them.

Will want to see you again soon.

Allah-hafiz mere dost.
Shallu M