I'll Keep You Close

My dear loved one

I hope you are doing well in life, and I hope you are happy. This letter has nothing to do with reaching you or you reading it; I am writing it for myself. I am writing it to find the closure I may never receive or have received, but my heart keeps asking for more. Who would know better than you that my heart will always ask for more or seek something unknown, unknown to the person it wants it from, or unknown to itself?
I wrote a letter before, and it was full of love (in case you are wondering, there are still tons of it left), and this, too, will comprise all of my heart.

It was also about how you played the game of loving and unloving me from time to time. Only to remind me that I am the kind of traveler people like to go out on adventures with but not hold hands with when the destination arrives. I want to pour my eyes and my heart out for you one last time. I loved you, or maybe I thought I did. You did that to me; you never let me know that what I felt for you was love or attraction. You did that to me, my love.

When I met you, my life was transforming and changing. You did not help me through it, but you let me believe you did. I want you to know that I do not hold it against you. It was beautiful while it lasted and will be beautiful until my heart bleeds.

I tell you, the memories of you are like what an accelerator is to a car and what the moon is to the broken ones. The thought of you is enough to put an instant smile on my face, and it is one of those I cannot ever seem to face. You helped me smile when I cried. I will always hold close to my heart the moments when I cried, and you beautifully pulled out the tissues to prevent them from falling on the floor. You told me they were too precious to let go of so easily. You told me my heart may be broken, but it can be put together again; one day, I can do that alone.

There were people in my life and moments in my stories that I tried to forget, but if it is any consolation, you will never be among them. I want to remember you; I want to cherish our moments. I want to love ‘the love I had for you. Somewhere, deep inside my heart, I will always love you but will never tell you that I do because my love for you does not demand you to love me back. I want you to know that when I think about you, a million flashbacks flood the memory lane, and the only thing we do is smile. Smile like the idiots that we were.

I remember you asking me if we’d stay together forever and telling you that we would. I did that to protect my heart and to fool it into believing that forever still does exist and that we will prove it. I knew I was fooling myself, but I wanted to be a fool. A fool who fell madly in love with you and a fool who wanted someone to hold me when I’d break into a million pieces.

We had our share of disagreements, but we had our fair share of moments of love, too, and that is enough for me to keep your memories close to my heart. I know you will come around one day and tell me we can be friends again. Until then, it was lovely loving you, and it was beautiful knowing you.

Yours today but not forever

Shallu Jaglan