No Life Without You

Today is one of those days when my hands are shaking, and my heart is trembling while writing.

Today, papa, you said something to me that hurt me more than anything else. You said I have no future to look up to and that you have lost all his faith, belief, and love in me. Like, how could you just give up on me? I have loved you since I saw you, and I will continue to do that until my last breath. I will keep you alive in my poems, heart, and books (if I ever write one).

And I just wish I could tell you all or some of this someday, but I know I can’t because I will never be able to tell you that you are all I have, and nothing in this world can replace you. I just want you to know (without me telling you) that even if you do give up on me, I never will stop loving you because I will always remember you holding my hand and walking me down the park in the evenings. On days when I seem to forget how much you matter, I’ll remember your smile, hugs, and how beautifully you called me your ‘moon.’

Papa, I do not want to lose you today, tomorrow, or any other day that follows because I won’t live in this world without you holding me in your arms. In a world where everyone is trying to pull me down, you and our family are the only things I look forward to. I feel like the exposed nerve of a broken tooth when I imagine living in this world without you. Please don’t leave me alone because I won’t be able to survive that, ever.

I am staring blankly at the door, waiting for you to come and hold me. I want you to sit down with me and hold me while I cry my heart out until there aren’t any tears left in me to pour out. But I know you won’t come. I wish you would, but you won’t. I miss the nights I used to share my weird theories with you and only you because you always had a safe space for me to talk. You listened to me when nobody did, and I will always be grateful. You are here, but I miss you. That’s the only thing I don’t like about growing up; it tends to push people apart. I don’t want to grow up and apart, papa.