The Boy In Blue

Dear savior,

I hope this letter fulfills its purpose, but I know it won’t because you are a conundrum of sorts, my dear savior. But I would still like to hope that my words do not scatter around like my life and hold together my feelings for you. I hope that one day, out of the thousands that you live, you find this epistle of humongous emotions and tears that rolled down my cheeks while writing it and understand that what we had was platonic and selfless.

You were struggling to carry a suitcase when I first saw you. The boy in the blue, out of the blue, swept me off my feet, not the way we always see, but unconventionally. We met exactly the way we left each other, unintentionally and warmly. From a distance, you seemed like an ordinary boy with hopes and aspirations, but when I looked closely, I saw you. I saw how complicated humans can be, how deceptive appearances can get, and how someone can change your life. You had me the very first day when you gifted me books. Books have always been my last resort; they listen to me when the world lends a deaf ear and brings just the little ray of sunshine I need right through the snow-capped mountains when I am freezing. You gave me exactly what I wanted but forgot what I needed; I needed a human friend.

For most of our interactions, I could tell that you disliked me for reasons I wasn’t aware of. Still, I wanted to respect your individuality and privacy, so I never asked why. There were days when my presence disgusted you, and my face was what you loathed the most, but I never felt bad about it because I always believed that ‘we all have our reasons. You gave me puzzles of advanced level when I was just a beginner and knew nothing about arranging them. You handed me mysteries to unravel when I was just a little kid figuring out how to walk. How could you expect me to be smarter when I wasn’t even smart? How could you let me hang out to dry on the days when I needed you to hold my hand and tell me that I wasn’t alone in the dark dorm of despair that I had built around myself? Just one question for a lifetime, how could you?

The questions above are rhetorical, of course, because I do not want to know why. Let’s end the sympathetic appeal for an apology now and move a little ahead in time. I often say that ‘the most unprecedented times bring out the most unexpected experiences, but I only started to believe it when I had my ‘first experience.’ The day I cried sitting beside you, you let me do that while telling me that tears don’t always have to be a sign of sorrow. They are sometimes a sign of ‘nothing,’ just a few drops of water pouring out of our eyes when the heart gets heavy and life a little unbearable. I felt I had found a friend who would save me from myself.

It might amaze you when I tell you that you were the only person I could force myself to talk to, to talk me out of taking my own life. There were days when the demons of my past dug up the graves and scratched the wounds that were just starting to heal. Still, the pain was unbearable, and I desperately needed to end it and wanted to put a full stop to everything. But you never let me do that. You helped me in ways that words will never be able to describe. You became my savior and told me to take my guard off but only in front of the mirror. You shattered the walls I had built around myself for as long as I can remember and held my hand until the dust settled, only to build the new ones together. You brought me back to life by the thread you left me hanging.

I was the exposed nerve of a broken tooth that hurt every time the air touched it, but you taught me how to cherish the essence of pain and mend our broken tooth or heart, for that matter. My dear savior, we departed exactly one year after we met. Maybe one year was the only time that we were meant to support each other, but I would say that it was worth it. Every minute of the hours-long phone calls was worth it. Being your friend was a pleasure, and I am honored to have known you. But I will always find myself asking the same question over and over again. How could you?

Wishing we never departed.

With a heart that loves you amicably,
The one you saved,
Shallu Jaglan