I'll Take A Mountain And Move On

To everyone I have loved before,

I wish I could say everything I am about to write here to you and in person. I wish I could look into your eyes and see if my feelings would change anything in them. Only if I could, I would like to come to see you and see if my absence made any difference or if my presence was missed.

I have loved so many people in the past 20 years that I have lost count. The only thing I have done in my life is love you. There is something I’d like you to know, and it is that when I love, I see no boundaries and lines. I do not feel that I have to swim oceans or scale mountains because when I did, I did it for you and that in itself was one of the most amazing feelings. I did it for you, everything. But somehow, no matter how much I loved, no matter how much I expressed, no matter how much I worked to make you feel at home, it was never enough. My love wasn’t enough. I am sorry I couldn’t love you to the moon and back. I did love you to Neptune and back, but that doesn’t count, right?

I am sorry that my love wasn’t enough, but I want to tell you that I did the best I could; I did everything in my power, did whatever it took, and did whatever I was expected to do. I am sorry that I wept on your shoulder every time you raised your voice at me. I am sorry that I apologized for being too much. I am sorry for being there for you even when you didn’t ask me to. I am sorry that I sealed my lips whenever you verbally, physically, and emotionally abused me. I am sorry that I couldn’t take whatever you kept doing to me for too long. I am sorry that I left when it wasn’t convenient for you. I am sorry I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. I am sorry that I loved you too much. I am sorry that I wished the world for you and that I kept everything aside when you asked me to.

I wish you had happened once, but you have happened many times. You were the guys I fell for, you were the girls I gave my heart to, you were the family members I loved so dearly, you were the friends who left me when there wasn’t anything useful left for them; you were the people I wanted to stay with forever. But somehow, no matter what I did, I couldn’t be the perfect partner, friend, family, or lover. Trust me when I say this, I tried to the best of my ability to soothe you, but maybe I wasn’t the one you wanted to do that.

Maybe I was just a catalyst to you that you used whenever you needed and got rid of when you achieved that. Maybe I was the coffee mug you broke and threw away, maybe I was the broken alarm clock you didn’t need anymore, maybe I was the pen that didn’t have any ink left in it, maybe I was the book you picked up but never complete, maybe I was the mattress in your room that you returned to when you needed it to comfort you and left you wanted, maybe I was the unfolded pile of clothes in your cupboard that you never wished to fold, or maybe I was just a person who you thought wasn’t worthy enough.

I remember when each of you left and how it made me feel. I could hear my heart breaking and shattering. I remember when your hand slipped away from mine, and you blamed that my grip wasn’t strong enough. I remember when you rode off in your vehicle of desires and wants that I couldn’t fulfill. I remember when you showed me the door to me and the gesture when you showed me out. I remember when you pushed me out of the door. I remember when you changed your home. I remember when you didn’t want me anymore.

Maybe loving me wasn’t convenient but telling me that you don’t was easy, wasn’t it? Maybe leaving me was easier but holding onto my shrunken soul was difficult. Maybe finding a new home was better than returning to the same one every day. Maybe pretending I was not a human but merely an object was better for you than treating me as a human. Maybe bidding goodbye was what made you smile. But today, I’ll take a mountain of fears, anxiety, heartbreaks, and goodbyes and move on because it is convenient for me too.

A heart that will never love again

With forgiveness and the smile you took away
Yours (maybe not)