You Were My Atrial Septal Defect

My dearest love,

I hope this letter finds you, but I know it won’t. I will never let this letter fall into your hands because I know it will not hold any value to them. Your hands are cold, not because of the cold but because of your loveless heart. Your eyes are dry well; they do have tears but no emotions. Why would I ever let someone go through my overburdened heart if it would make no difference? I won’t. So, I hope this letter burns in the fire which you lit when you left before it could reach you.

My life has been pretty amazing lately after you left. I feel that I am capable of loving and being loved in return. You reminded me of how unlovable I was every time I looked into your shallow eyes. Seldom did I realize that the love I felt was a missing element in me, was you. I was looking into the wrong mirror. I was an ardent believer in the fairy world, but the world where the lying mirror existed shattered when I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find that it does lie, but only to pull me down. You pulled me down every time you raised your voice at me, every time you clenched my fist and pushed me away, every time you looked at me with those vacant eyes, every time you closed the door without asking me, every time you put your hands on my body without my consent, every time you hit me, every time you tore me apart, every time you broke my heart, and every time you broke me, piece by piece. You were a bad mirror.

I never wanted to fall in love with you. I found you when I was happy, and you assured me that you would be the magic I have always longed for. You assured me that assurances aren’t always a lie. Deep inside my heart, I believed you even though I did not want to. I fell for you, and you made sure I kept falling until there was no scope to get back up. I was broken, but you broke me a little more. I guess you felt the need to be the one to make the last blow at someone who was hoping that you didn’t. From being my last resort to being my last thrasher, you deviously turned from my ‘knight in shining armor to my lovely antagonist.

I will never tell you any of this because my words will lose their strength and scramble all around, and while I would be busy knitting them again, you would hold me from behind and crush me. My dear love, I am scared of you. I am scared that if we ever meet again, what would you do to me. Because I now know that making love is not one of your favorite genres. You do not make love; you make sure there isn’t any left instead. I remember the night when it happened; your eyes weren’t empty; there was something in them. It took me time to realize what it was; it was the ‘want’ to hurt. You wanted to hurt me, and you successfully did. I wept the whole night in your arms because you did not let go of me. You locked the door to make sure that I did not leave.

I have loved you for so long that I do not remember what it felt like not loving you. I do not remember what it felt like to be happy. I do not remember what it felt like to be unbroken. I do not remember what I should do, but I do remember what I want to forget. I remember you and not myself. I do not hate you because one cannot hate someone they loved so dearly. But I wish I did, hate you.

May this letter tear apart before you can read it because you do not deserve to be given something that I hold so close to my heart. Words. My dear A. I wish I had never met you and you hadn’t left. Maybe, I could have hated you. But you took that from me; you took the tiny pieces of my heart with you only to throw them away. The pieces without them, I will never be whole. You were the hole in my heart that did not let me breathe; you were my atrial septal defect.

With a request to return the pieces you took when you left.

Never yours,
Shallu Jaglan