You, Me and Us

My dear best friend

I hope this letter never finds your way, and it never finds you. I wish it gets lost a little in between the relationship between me and the backspace. Trust me when I say that I have written similar letters in the past few years and deleted them all. I did this not for you but for myself. I did this because, my dear friend (I hope I can call you that), the memories of you and the memories of us have kept me alive. And in no circumstance will I ever let my clouded emotions and judgment deter the natural course of action and the chain of reactions associated with it.

I still remember the first time I saw you and how you swept almost the entire school with your attitude. Everyone wanted to be your friend, but I didn’t. I should not say this, but I did not find anything very attractive in you. I wasn’t drawn towards you the first time I saw you. I don’t remember what you wore or the words from your beautiful mouth. I will be lying if I say it was love initially because it wasn’t. But I remember that there was a distance of exactly 200 meters between us. I have never liked Mathematics, so in the process of its retributive justice, it has decided to not like me. The distance between us is now multiplied by the ‘n’ number of times, and I, for one, could never understand the concept of ‘n.’

Do you remember the first time we talked? Because I do. I could not sense a few years ago that you were also drawn to me. You wanted to be part of my life, and it wasn’t just that; you wanted more. More of me and more of us. You made sure that you were my best friend. A little part of me wishes that you hadn’t done that because you have moved on, but I haven’t. I still am in the same room where you kissed me goodbye and never returned. In the phenomenon of time, I lost myself but what I want to tell you is that I did not lose ‘us.’ I have kept bits and pieces of you with me, and they never were baggage or a burden. They were the little rays of hope that kept me going. They were my savior when it turned out that you couldn’t be one.

Do you know what you said to me a few days before it was time for you to finally depart? Because I do. You said I was the color of your sky and the fragrance of your flowers. Do I still have the same value in your life, or did someone else’s sky replace mine? You know what you said the last time we met, but you do not know what it meant to me or what happened after that. You have always known your side of the story; in that process, you forgot that I existed. You have wiped out my entire existence from your life as if I never really meant anything. And that I was just a means to an end. Was I a little toy you played around with when the ones you had brought with you did not entertain you anymore?

I was in denial for a long time, but I do not want to do injustice to you, me, or us anymore. It took me several years to realize that I loved you. I have loved you in your entirety, and I have loved you entirely. Sometimes I wish I could tell you that. Every year, I wait for your birthday so I can have at least one reason to call you. You don’t miss me, do you? Because if you did, you failed miserably to make me feel that you did.

You weren’t meant for me, and I wasn’t for you. You and I weren’t meant to be us. You and I were meant to depart. You and I were meant for goodbyes. I wish I could realize that a little early because things would have been easier for me if I had. Maybe it wouldn’t have been, but I try to think of every possible way to undo what we did to each other. I know I can no longer have you, but you should remember that you can always have me. It isn’t too late to start over, or is it? I guess we will have to find that last part out.

In love with you today and always.

All my heart

Shallu Jaglan