It's not a goodbye, is it?

My dearest friend

I hope this letter finds you when you are thinking of me, about me and for me. I know that sounds a little too romantic, but what a hopeless romantic would I be if I could not say things like that, right? Yes, I am a hopeless romantic who believes in happy endings and that all love stories are destined to be unraveled in this world.

Love knocked on my doorstep when I was lonely, vulnerable and scared. It showed up when I wasn’t expecting anyone to turn up on evenings I had so thought I would spend all alone. It came to me when I asked it to stay far away because I knew that if I took one glance at the utterly beautiful face it had transformed into, I wouldn’t be able to undo the charm. It held onto my hands that were sweaty, unattractive and trembling. It looked into my eyes when I was afraid to look at myself in the mirror. It cupped my chin with its fairly evenly shaped hands with extreme dexterity when I refused to touch myself. It fought my demons for me. It made me believe that I could love and be loved unconditionally and entirely.

Life has been an unpleasant adventure for me and the kind I wasn’t ready to experience. It is a story I never want to talk about and the one I want to go unnoticed. For all I remember, I have been so self-absorbed and self-centered that I never saw a world outside the walls of pain and agony that I had built around myself. I wanted to disappear. Disappear in the poems I wrote, the story I never penned down, the anecdotes I failed to share, the speeches I stammered badly with, and the letters I never wrote. But one can never escape life because life is the beautiful lie we believe will last longer than humanity.

I have always wanted to write you a letter but never really could, but today I will. It is the letter I never hoped I would write to anyone. This letter is heartbreaking. My hands are trembling, and my heart is pounding. But I have to do it because you deserve closure, and I deserve peace. You were a good friend to me, and I hope we remain that way even after you finish reading it.

I am a hopeless romantic. I yearn for happy endings, but I know you cannot give me one. I have always believed that social structures are man-made, but now I feel they are man-made. We are so bound by them that we do not realize that we are not just castes, religion, and money. We are above that, and we are humans. But I will not judge you for this because I believe in the power of self-judgment and independent decision-making. What do you think is a suitable option for you? I have to think about myself here. I cannot afford to lose myself yet another time. I have saved myself, and I must continue to do that.

I hope you find a loving lover and a beautiful partner. I have to break it to you that I cannot be one. It is not a goodbye, is it?

I will be thinking of you today and always.

Yours forever

Shallu Jaglan