Goodbyes and More

To my Old Gupta family, the people who made a place feel like home,

I hope this letter reaches all of you, especially those who might not want to read it. When you do, I hope you have a smile on your face and maybe a few tears in your eyes. I hope you remember what we shared, and everything that changed in the space between then and now.

I always knew I would have to say goodbye someday. I just didn’t know it would be this soon. I knew we would leave Old Gupta Chowk one day, packing our bags to take on the world and waving our last goodbyes. I knew we might slowly fade from one another’s lives, changed by distance and time. I knew all of this, and still I was naive enough to believe we had longer.

My Old Gupta family, this one is for you. I’ll carry a piece of each of you wherever I go. I promise to keep our memories close and not let them scatter. I’ll cherish them the way I cherished my first love. I’ll hold on to them as I do the memory of my grandmother, who passed away years ago and still lives within me. I’m afraid that if I let anyone too close to these memories, I might lose them. Perhaps I won’t. Still, I choose to guard them, because you are too special to let go.

I’m someone who rarely promises forever, but I believe in it. Perhaps we were never promised a forever together. Still, I can keep one for us in my heart. When I look up at the stars in the moonlit sky, I’ll picture each of you shining there, and I’ll wish you well. It’s the least I can do.

The moon and stars have fascinated me since childhood. They found me when I was vulnerable and broken, and somehow helped me wake up feeling changed. Your memories will do that for me, too.

I’m already breaking down as I write this, but I’ll keep going. I owe you these words, and I feel we owe one another the chance to remember. I used to think writers should leave their thoughts in their minds and let time carry them away. Now I understand why they write them down. They want their thoughts to exist somewhere in the world. I want our memories to exist, too, even in my darkest moments, even after I am gone. I want someone to read this one day and laugh at the idiots we were.

We lived. We laughed. We fought. We cried. We apologized and forgave each other. We hugged and kissed. We drank too much coffee and chai. We did all of it together, and that was more than I ever knew to ask for.

Each of you was there when I needed you. I will never let myself forget what that meant.

I always wanted a perfect goodbye. I imagined one last cup of chai, a warm hug, a peck on the cheek, and a wave as we parted. Time took that from me. I never got the goodbye I pictured. But time gave me more than I had asked for, so I’ll forgive it for taking you away so suddenly.

You will be with me in the poems I write, the places I visit, the beds I sleep in, the tears I shed, the dreams I make, and the life I keep living.

With all the chai, laughter, and love I could never leave behind,

Yours, today and everything that comes after,
Shallu Jaglan