150 Days of Togetherness

To the one I watched leave for the first time,

I hope you get home safely, in one piece. I’ve written letters to you before, but I never let you read them all. Some things are better left unsaid, or so I told myself. I may have said “I love you” a hundred times, but it will never feel like enough.

You stayed when other people might have left in your place, and I am endlessly grateful. We had 150 days together, but they still seem too few, don’t they? All my life, I wondered what love would look like when I finally found it. It would look so much like you.

You’ll be home by the time I finish writing this. I wish I could pour my whole heart into this letter, but you are bigger than the words I have spent my life learning. You are more than I know how to say.

That last night will stay with me most. We did almost everything perfectly, though neither of us believes in perfect. We listened to “Hey There Delilah” and “Hey California” on repeat, holding hands and holding on to each other as if that could keep the night from ending.

By the time we had to say goodbye, our hearts were too heavy for words. They gathered in our throats, each one carrying the risk of bringing a downpour of tears with it. The night was unplanned, unexpected, and unscripted. I know I will never find words that can hold all of it.

The farther away you are, the more I miss your hands in mine, your head on my shoulder, your hand moving gently over my back, and the way your eyes lit up when they found me.

My love, I fell for you harder than I meant to. I never wanted to, but here I am, sitting on a bed without you beside me, writing letters you aren’t here to hear. I wish we’d had more time. I wish we could have stayed together a little longer. I really do.

Most days, I was the one who left while you stayed behind and waited for me. That night was the first time I watched you leave. It reminded me how much I hate goodbyes. I would rather be the one walking away than the one left behind.

For you, I would have done anything. If you had asked me to do one thing, I would have done it a thousand times. But you rarely ask.

You were never my knight in shining armor or the demon in my dreams. You were simply yourself. You stayed as yourself, and you left as yourself.

Whenever I open my notebook, my notes, or my laptop to write, some part of you finds its way onto the page. That is how much I love you. I can no longer separate you from my words.

You were a beautiful dream. Life has been one adventure and misadventure after another, but you helped me hold my head high and keep walking. You were there for me, even when I was the one who left. You stayed behind, waiting for me to come back.

I wish I had never left. I wish I had stayed. I wish things had turned out better for you, for us. But wishing cannot change what happened now, can it?

I love you now more than I ever have.

With all my love still tangled in those 150 days,

Once yours,
Shallu Jaglan