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150 Days of Togetherness

My dear love (again)

I hope you reach home safely and in one piece. I've written letters to you before but didn't give you the chance to read them all because, for what it was worth, some things are better kept unsaid. I may have said that I love you n number of times, but never will it be enough. You stuck along when others would have left had they been in your shoes, and I am utterly grateful for that. We had 150 days of togetherness, yet they seem too little, don't they? All my life, I had thought about what love would look like when I met it; it would look so much like you. You'll be home by the time I end up writing it. I wish I could pour my heart out in this one, but my god, you are beyond the words that I have spent learning all my life. You are so much more than that.

The last night will be the most memorable of our time together. We did everything nearly perfectly, not that we believe in the notion of perfectness. However, still, we did some pretty adorable things. We listened to 'Hey there Delialah' and 'Hey California' on loop while holding onto each other's hands. And the other one was busy holding onto each other. Our hearts were so heavy by the time it was time to say goodbye that when the time came, we were speechless. My god, words came up to our throats and were stuck like if they were to come out, a rainfall of emotions and tears would come out. Last night was unplanned, unexpected, and unscripted. I know I will fail no matter how much I try to put it into words.

The farther you are from me, the more I crave your hands in mine. Your head on my shoulder, your hands caressing my back, and your eyes every time they would light up, you would see me. My love, I ended up falling for you, harder than I wanted to. I never wanted to, but I am, sitting on a bed where you aren't beside me and writing letters without you here to listen to them. I wish we had more time; I wish we could have stayed together for a little longer. I really wish we could do that.

Every other day, I left while you stayed behind waiting for me, and for the first time, I saw you leave, and it reminded me of how much I despise goodbyes. I would rather be the one to leave than the one who's left behind. But, for you, it never felt a lot. If there was one thing you would ask me to do, I would do it a thousand times, but only if you do. Ask me to do it. You never really do. You are not my knight in shining armor or the demon of my dreams; you stayed like you were and left like you stayed.

Every time I open up my notebook, notes, or laptop to write anything, there will always be a part of you in it. That is how much I love you. I cannot disassociate you from my words anymore. You were a dream, a beautiful one. Life has been one adventure and a misadventure for me, but you ensured I would hold my head high and walk right through it. You were there for me all along, even when I was the one who left. You stayed behind. Waiting. Waiting for me to come back. I wish I had never left. I wish I had stayed. I wish things would have turned out to be better for you and us. But wishing isn't good enough now, is it?

In love with you, now more than I have ever been.

Once yours

Shallu Jaglan